Today, I went on my first date.  Yes, I somehow managed to get through two relationships without going on a single date.  But today, I went on my first date.  And it has me thinking about what I believe about love and what I want for my life.  I’m proud of myself for taking a risk, and I actually had an okay time.  But as I sit here and wonder if I would go out with him again if he asked me, and my answer is a hesitant, “Sure. Why not?”, I can’t help but consider why I would give such a blase response.

I used to be a dreamer. I used to believe that amazing things could happen.  Now, I feel like I settle a thousand times a day.  I’ve given up on what I think about love.  I’ve given it up for logic and “psychological health.”  What about connection?  What about sparks?  What about love at first sight?

I’m beginning to think that psychology has become my personal brand of atheism.  It has become the science that explains away  all the beauty that I used to imagine and hope for.  When did it become healthy for me to go on a second date with a guy just because it would be “good” for me, when the only thing I can say about the date is that I feel “neutral” about it?  When did giving up on my dream of love become necessary for my growth as a self-actualized human being?

I think logic in love works for some people.  Maybe for some, it is truly the healthiest way to approach relationships.  But what if it’s not for me?

What if I want to hold out for something else?

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